having it all

Lately I've been stuck in this overwhelming feeling of dread (or maybe understanding) that I'm sort of in a limbo between a couple realities at the moment. The first is being in school, a reality I'm so thankful for and happy with, but I can't help but feel hindered by it to my riding/other worldly pursuits(?). I'm kind of half-assing, in my opinion, really going all out with the horse life deal because I keep telling myself it'll get better after college, I'll have more time for myself to ride and be with the horses. I also think I still am capable of tricking myself to believe I'm going to be "different" and immediately get my dream job and work hours that I want to and that work around my schedule. Which is comforting in a pathetic way, but thus contributing to my limbo regardless.

On the other hand, the whole of me being in school and studying environmental science like I am is to hopefully get a job doing something I love, which is ideal but is at odds with horsey life scenario #1. And to top it all off, I haven't been committing or delving into any jobs or internships in this limbo period that would advance my knowledge in the sciences because that would cut into valuable horse time!  So you see, I'm really dealing with some life threatening stuff here, the stuff that keeps me up at night (which is really why I'm up writing this right now. It is keeping me up).

So in the midst of tossing and turning and partlypartly blocking out my music, I've come to the realization that I'm just going to have it all, in my own way, which I'm fairly certain is going to be great for me because the more shit I have going on all the donetime the happier I am, despite the fact that simply thinking about everything causes internal shut down.  Hopefully this summer, I'll just stay at my apartment in VT, take a class to catch up on some school requirements, half a semi full time job, AND have Oops with me and compete lightly on the weekends. This might not be "giving it my all" in either lifestyle, but the more I think about this the more I become in love with the idea.

I read a stellar article in the Chronicle of the Horse (believe it was the December edition) about this adult amateur hunter/jumper who worked as a corporate big wig for FedEx during the day, but competed her horse all around the country on the weekends. She kept only a few horses, and they lived at her house, and she got up extra early to feed them, do stalls and ride before work, but she got to do it all. It was incredibly well written and inspiring, and it just kind of wakes you up to realize this is your life, you know? Why compare your lifestyle and goals to people you have not much in common with? Redesign your own destiny to make everything you want to do possible, granted eventually you're gonna probably have to edit some grandiose ideas or put in the extra effort to maintain your dream, but a little hard work never went unnoticed.