What doesn't kill you...

One of the first things asst trainer Tim Bourke told me upon arriving to work at LFF was that he truly believed "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... and this job just might kill you." I didn't exactly know what he meant by that, but I certainly have some experiences to draw my own conclusions from.

I always feel (maybe this is a DUH moment, but hey, aren't those always the ones you learn most from?) that after any type of test (be it a show, a clinic, a lesson, etc) where you're kind of put on the spot to show what you've learned and are capable of, hindsight becomes THEN AND THERE 20/20.  For example, after my annoying screw ups on xc at GHF a few weeks ago, I realized how little I had been riding the course.  The course was twisty, it was tight, and it was technical, and I had not been riding my horse appropriately for the course in front of me.  Well, of course after I finished, I could have just about locked myself in a room and melted into self loathing afterwards, especially since Oops had been so willing and capable. Instead, I tried sending that frustration into a good ride for stadium the next day, where we had one of our best (and one of the only for our division) double clear rides for the day.  I was thrilled!

Today, I took Oops to a schooling show in attempts to prep for Fitch's next weekend, which is looking less and less probable as the week drags on (stupid electronic entries). We had an ok warm up for dressage, I forgot where to do the stretchy circle, and scored not so well. Not our best, but I know what I need to continue to do with him, dressage is always a work in progress for us.  The xc course was tight with no good galloping stretches, which meant I needed to be able to keep him relatively composed the whole ride.  He was fine; we had some awkward close distances to more fences than I would have liked, but he was pretty attentive and didn't look at the ditch, which is always a bonus.  We then went straight to stadium, which was a small course for Training, and even though I could see some people getting rough jumps, didn't think too much of it.  Oops has been jumping fantastically lately, really really adjustable and great with some accuracy questions that we don't school very often.  Unfortunately for Oops and fortunately for me, he saved our ass quite a few times, but I gave him a horrible ride.  Ashley told me when we got out of the ring- "I'm not saying this to be mean, but all of the issues you had in there were your fault," and she was completely correct. I knew it immediately, and have no been able to shake this disgusted feeling I've had since this morning.  Especially when my horse has really been trying lately, really been performing maybe better than he has ever, and I can't even ride him properly to let him show everyone what he can do.  Ashley told me I needed to stop riding the horse he use to be, and ride the horse I've got now, and I think this is quite a valuable lesson for myself. I notice more and more often now how I expect him to misbehave like he did when he was 8 or 10.  He's 14 now and we've both matured a lot in the last few years.  Trust is such a huge part of horsemanship, and I hate to think I'm pissing mine away because I don't believe he's going to be as good as he's been. 

So that's what this rant is all about.  Me being upset with myself.  Instead of wallowing in self pity, I'm going to use this pent up frustration to put more work into my rides that I can get out of him.  I'm going to ask a little more each time we jump, and not settle for acceptable or just good enough.  I'm going to do more hills and be more creative with our time out of the rings, to desensitize him as much as possible and to give his brain a break.  I'm going to start running again when I'm not at the barn, because I should not be nearly as out of breath as I am from riding one horse in a horse trials. I'm going to keep better track of what we do and how much he's improving over specific time spans.  I'm also going to get a better start on planning our events (and entering them), as well as figuring out what my finances need to look like in order to go down south for a couple weeks this year. Oh, and how I'm going to make enough money to pay back loans after I graduate while also being a working student. 

So while today didn't necessarily kill me, it was close to it.  There's nothing worse than knowing you didn't give it your all, and your horse being the one who really suffered from it.  Tomorrow, I revamp my training approach.  No point in wasting energy dwelling on the past when it can be put into constructive outlets to better your future!

Blueprints for the Big Picture

Summer is obviously in full swing here and by revisiting even my last post in January (yikes) I can already see how much my goals have shifted.  Apparently a couple months ago I was predicting this summer to involve a class at school, working a "regular person job" and working with Oops a little bit, to keep him going but without much competing in mind.  Well I can happily say none of what I planned ending up happening (isn't it funny how that works?); instead I turned down a well-paying full time job, I'm not taking any classes (although that I kind of regret), and I'm working full-time in two barns, barely making enough money to cover my expenses- but I really couldn't be happier!  I have found a way to make money at a Morgan Horse farm cleaning stalls during the week, which may include helping with some babies in the near future, and riding Oops daily. I've been able to occasionally scrape together enough money to take lessons with miss Ashley Adams, someone who I respect more and more as a rider and a horsewoman the more time I spend with her.  She's been an invaluable help not only with me and my horses, but as a friend at shows, selflessly going through courses with me and being quite the mental support system when I have some rider screw-ups. 

The past few months I think I've developed and come into my own as an independent person.  I'm starting to understand how plans can change, and that it's not always a bad thing or for reasons you might be afraid of.  Change can be good and even sneak up on you for the better.  I may not be making money this summer, but I've discovered that having enough in order to do a couple things that are really important to me (horse-wise; lessons, clinics and shows, etc) is completely enough for me.  I do not need much money in order to support myself.  This has been a rather freeing realization, understanding more and more out about myself and doing it a little unconventionally.  The next big mental dialogue I'm having with myself is what this is going to look like for me after this school year, when I hopefully graduate.  Yes, I love what I'm studying, but putting horses and my riding career on the back burner just to get a job that can pay student loans isn't how I envision myself.  I spent this morning working with my therapists (yes... I have two) on the importance of laying out my intermediate steps that will hopefully set me up to reach my big goals.  I use to lay out what I hoped to accomplish without much thought to how I would get there.  In doing this, I'm starting to be ok with not doing things the way everyone else usually does them: getting a real person job to make enough money to pay loans and THEN figure out to how balance horse life with that.  That is not going to work for me, and no matter what people say to try to discourage me from sticking myself out there, I am pretty sure at this point I won't learn things unless it's the hard way.  I am fairly certain my life after graduation will go horses, then figuring out how I'm going to cover expenses/loans.  Happiness allows my creativity to solve some of those big dilemmas for me. Being suffocated 90% of the time just to make money and suppressing what I enjoy doing just to be able to do it half as often doesn't fly with me. 

On a more positive note, Oops recently received his lowest score at a recognized event and had one of our best stadium rounds the same weekend.  Cross country riding is something I need to get back into the swing of, but we're feeling better than we have in awhile, and more connected.  Needless to say, I'm having a great time continuing to learn about him and how he operates, even after nine years of our partnership.  Horses never stop teaching you new things!

having it all

Lately I've been stuck in this overwhelming feeling of dread (or maybe understanding) that I'm sort of in a limbo between a couple realities at the moment. The first is being in school, a reality I'm so thankful for and happy with, but I can't help but feel hindered by it to my riding/other worldly pursuits(?). I'm kind of half-assing, in my opinion, really going all out with the horse life deal because I keep telling myself it'll get better after college, I'll have more time for myself to ride and be with the horses. I also think I still am capable of tricking myself to believe I'm going to be "different" and immediately get my dream job and work hours that I want to and that work around my schedule. Which is comforting in a pathetic way, but thus contributing to my limbo regardless.

On the other hand, the whole of me being in school and studying environmental science like I am is to hopefully get a job doing something I love, which is ideal but is at odds with horsey life scenario #1. And to top it all off, I haven't been committing or delving into any jobs or internships in this limbo period that would advance my knowledge in the sciences because that would cut into valuable horse time!  So you see, I'm really dealing with some life threatening stuff here, the stuff that keeps me up at night (which is really why I'm up writing this right now. It is keeping me up).

So in the midst of tossing and turning and partlypartly blocking out my music, I've come to the realization that I'm just going to have it all, in my own way, which I'm fairly certain is going to be great for me because the more shit I have going on all the donetime the happier I am, despite the fact that simply thinking about everything causes internal shut down.  Hopefully this summer, I'll just stay at my apartment in VT, take a class to catch up on some school requirements, half a semi full time job, AND have Oops with me and compete lightly on the weekends. This might not be "giving it my all" in either lifestyle, but the more I think about this the more I become in love with the idea.

I read a stellar article in the Chronicle of the Horse (believe it was the December edition) about this adult amateur hunter/jumper who worked as a corporate big wig for FedEx during the day, but competed her horse all around the country on the weekends. She kept only a few horses, and they lived at her house, and she got up extra early to feed them, do stalls and ride before work, but she got to do it all. It was incredibly well written and inspiring, and it just kind of wakes you up to realize this is your life, you know? Why compare your lifestyle and goals to people you have not much in common with? Redesign your own destiny to make everything you want to do possible, granted eventually you're gonna probably have to edit some grandiose ideas or put in the extra effort to maintain your dream, but a little hard work never went unnoticed.

Fall's finally here!

In lieu of "studying" for my highly-anticipated bio test tomorrow, I'm back to the blog to ramble about pony things. Oopsie really is up here in VT with me THANK GOD and I'm actually attempting to balance him and school work! Not so successfully in terms of school at the moment, for some reason I picked my busiest semester thus far to introduce my horse into the mix, but it's happening one way or another. The barn we're at is just fantastic, they take care of Oops really well, which is great because it gives me lots of anxiety not being able to be there with him and doing all the chores all day every day.  We've even made show buddies! A girl at the barn has three horses of her own, all around the same level as Oops, and we even made a weekend of GMHA together. It's been great, because while the barn tends to veer towards the H/J side with some dressagers thrown into the mix, the two of us are kind of the only current eventers. And any eventer can tell you how nice it is knowing there's going to be another person to trailer to xc schoolings with or to condition together- so Sam's been that person for me! She's also an incredible, strong rider, with more energy and patience than anyone I know. I'm pretty sure she has a constantly charging battery plugged into her somehow.

Anywho, in addition to running Oops in the Training at GMHA, I was fortunate enough to be able to take my dads' horse Carson (Deacon Blues) in his first* recognized event! He even came in 3rd in open BN! It's his kind of first because technically the weekend before, he and my dad competed in BN at King Oak, but had an unfortunate spill during stadium and didn't make it to xc. So I guess it's his first completed recognized event. He was absolutely a joy to ride; ears perked the whole time, just loping around cross country, not batting an eyelash at a single fence. Dressage was decent, not my best effort due to forgetting where the canter movements came into play, so I didn't ride him in that as best as he could have, but I was happy with it nontheless. He's an 8 y/o solid APHA who we believe was started at a small H/J barn, then did a few solid years at a dressage barn until this May when we introduced him to the world of eventing. BN was a breeze for him, which means he's going to have a full year ahead of him next year if I have anything to do with it!

Oops also had a successful learning weekend; we didn't place very well (as is per usual) which never upsets me, I'm just so mad at myself for the totally preventable run out we had on xc. I had the invaluable help from Miss Ashley Adams, who I literally can't thank enough for imparting her wisdom to me. Having her take apart the course walks and break them down stride by stride opened my eyes to how I approach each phase of the show. It was like she had completely different lenses to look through. She showed me how to ride tighter and more efficiently in stadium, which produced one of our better rounds to date, and some of the subtler intricacies of the xc fences that gave me a new perspective. Besides my stupid mistake, we had a great round, and Oops was thankfully in better condition than I gave him credit for. He was also producing some fantastic jumps in warmup, to the point where I was getting tossed out of the saddle, something that admittedly doesn't happen a whole lot with us.

Our next and probably final effort this fall will most likely be Hitching Post schooling event mid October, and then Oops will return home from Thanksgiving through mid-January for a break. If all goes as planned, we should be heading down to FL for a couple weeks in March to get a good training session in and prep ourselves for the season, which I cannot wait for.

I predicted having Oops here this fall would (embarrassingly) mean I'd make it out to the barn every day or so just to ride and keep him in work, not really enough to motivate myself or make huge improvements. Basically, I expected school to take over and for my riding to take a back seat once again. A little surprisingly this has been anything but the case, and it's making me want to spend more time riding and less on school. Don't get me wrong, I understand the importance (sometimes) of graduating, but it makes me so antsy and anxious seeing everyone else having long seasons and getting to be with the horses all the time. I don't know if I'm going to end up changing my major, or if I'm going to become a total hermit that just does HW and rides all the time or what, but either way I know I'm going to have to make some major sacrifices soon to some aspect of my life. This, if you know me at all, is something I absolutely abhor, as I'm not good at making decisions because it means I have to not include something.

Apologies for the insane rambling on this completely unexpected post, but now I've very successfully avoided memorizing my fair share of nucleotide structures and pyrimidines. I leave you with a few snapshots of my weekend at GMHA and the ponies!

CP

 Oops looking out over one of our incredible conditioning fields

 Oops and Carson, who was too shy for the picture, at GMHA

 We got to jump a squirrel! Just like Rolex! (right?)

Dad and Carson swiftly maneuvering the course at Coyote Springs Farm jumper show

So I'm a little behind here

Whoops! It's OFFICIALLY one year after I left LFF, right after probably my most successful/fun event at Fair Hill in '11.

I cannot believe I didn't even do some sort of wrap-up to summarize my year, but I'm guessing that's because trying to condense all of what I've learned, the lifetime friendships I've made, and the experience as a whole overwhelms me tremendously, so instead of not doing it justice I left it altogether. Well we all know that's the wrong answer. These people deserve more than that!

As far as the riding details are concerned, I don't remember the day-to-day happenings, but I can safely say that Oops was one different horse when he got back up to NH. He didn't quite get the same attention or pampering as he did down in WV, and he had a little adjusting to do getting back up north. I did too though, because all I could do was micro-manage our barns' newly appointed (by myself) riding log ("The Book" if you've ever experienced one), make sure all the stall walls were heavily bedded, the front of the stalls (inside and outside) was excessively swept, and all tack immediately cleaned after use, among the other larger, important things. This was fine for the first few weeks, but it's a LOT harder to try to keep up with the way you think the barn needs to be kept when you're  the only one doing it... which is probably why everyone has to work so well as a team in order for a crazy-busy barn to run smoothly!

We didn't make it to prelim at the end of our time; Oops had more lameness issues than he's ever had before, which put a halt to our training at times, and I was beyond running out of money.  Which was ok in the end, because we had a fantastic run at Fair Hill that I still reminisce about to this day. Dressage FELT better than most of our other tests, stadium was a learning experience, but cross country was almost transcendental. It's hard for me to put into words, especially if you're not a rider yourself, as to just how absolutely incredible it is to have a perfect cross country round.  Oops was a little machine and once we navigated the 2nd or 3rd fence, where I had to somewhat insist he wanted to jump what he believed to be a rather scary looking ramp, there was no looking back! He FLEW around the course, all of what I had been trying to internalize while walking it and striding in between the combinations and where to turn for which angle, all went right out the window when Oops got into xc mode, which I haven't felt in a while. He basically said 'don't worry, I've got it mom' and he really did. I didn't even know what optimum time was because let's face it, he's a 15 hand QH competing against the top horse/rider combinations in the world. Somehow though, after we floated back to the barn and where I think I almost fainted from pure elation, we found out he was one of the few horses who actually came in under optimum! Talk about a bonus. I was so proud of my little Oopsie- he got more treats than grain that day.

We left from Fair Hill and now Oops and I are back up north. I'm back in school (yay and nay) in Vermont, and Oops is a somewhat accessible three and a half hours drive away back in NH. I've been going back much more than expected this semester, especially since we built the indoor, and riding on the weekends to keep him going. Thankfully my wonderful dad has made it his job to keep Oops conditioned through the walk/trot while I cannot. I get home in exactly 13 days from today and I couldn't be more excited to get show season going officially! I have big plans for us this summer, as well as for the barn. I can't promise anything yet, but one of my best friends and the most incredible horse woman might be coming up this summer to teach a clinic out of the barn...

But back to what really matters: the people I got to work with and learn from every day while I was living down in WV. Sharon, of course, still inspires me (although I'm sure she has no idea) every day, as I keep close tabs on my people down south! She taught me so much more than just how to be a better rider; she's an incredible mentor, friend, and sometimes even the mother-figure I needed down there. She always believed in me and Oops, and I can't believe I got to be lucky enough to literally live and work in her presence for almost a year.  My support system down at LFF- between all of us working students, trainers, assistant trainers, grooms, Felipe (the man, the myth and the legend), they're too special to put into simple words. It was such an unspoken partnership, scary almost how close we got, to the point where we really knew what the other was thinking/doing/needed us to do for the other before it was vocalized. I will never forget every way each of them inspired me and changed me, each making me a little bit better of a person and horseman than I was when I got there.

So, a year later, what can I say? I want to go back. I need to be working with horses and make that if not my entire life, a significant part of it. They do say once the riding bug bites, you never fully recover...

Until next time mi amigos.

Mud Season Arrives

Unfortunately it's been raining quite a bit lately, which is great for the grass and greenery and whatnot but awful for my nerves for not getting Oops out there to school cross country yet... and I sent in my entry for Morven today! Yikes. He's gotten into really good conditioning shape and all but we haven't really gotten out there to gallop or school fences from a gallop and it's freeeaking me out. It's nice (and so helpful) to have someone on the ground helping you every time you jump, but when you only jump once or twice a week, it's hard to work on what you need to over and over again so it becomes muscle memory. I had a great lesson today, but all I want to do now is keep jumping and working on all the mistakes I made before I forget how it's suppose to be! But I can't do that so I'm just going to have to work on the flat and pray that it translates into my jumping habits quickly.  I also looked at my bank statement tonight (something I rarely do because it depresses me) and discovered that I am officially broke.  Not just like kinda scraping close to bottom, but literally rock bottom broke, so THAT'S cool.  And it just so happens this is when I'm finding more and more things I need/want for show season.  This is when it would be handy to work somewhere I can make money. 

Other than my financial downfall, Oops is really getting back into the dressage mindset faster than in previous years.  He is now fully clipped and I had to buy him a neck blanket cover because he was coming in very cold from his nights out in the paddock.  And Al jumped the other day!! The first time since before he was injured last summer, he was so lazy about it, which shouldn't have really surprised me. 

I'm doing everything humanly possible to delay these college applications any longer but if I don't do them now I may not be going back to school this fall!

Where to begin!?

Well seeing as I haven't been so good at keeping this up to date, there is a whole bunch to review.  It's about 1:30 in the morning of my first day off in almost two weeks- that's how busy we've been around the barn lately. Oops' much anticipated arrival (on my behalf) finally happened the first weekend of this month.  I have to give credit to my dad for starting to get him back into shape because he got here and jumped right into conditioning and was so happy to be working again.  It really has made all the difference having him here, it's what gets me up in the morning knowing I'll be able to be around him and ride him every day.  And he's coming back this season so much better than I expected, although of course it helps that I have some of the best horse people around telling me what to do! Sharon helped us jumping a few times before she left for Florida for a month and believes we should be able to head to our first Prelim at the end of April!! So scary and incredible at the same time.  We picked out a few shows to start off my season this year before I head back to NH.  Hillary and Tim have been helping us jumping since Sharon left and Oops just keeps improving- it's incredible to see the difference in his jumping just from how I've improved from being here.  If we keep this up, I know we'll be ready for the Prelim, although I'm also a wee bit nervous.  He's so tiny!  I want to start cross country schooling to get rid of all my nerves for the ditches and coffins but with this last little bit of snow we've gotten, and then the sudden thawing, the ground is just not up for it yet.  Luckily we've got about 10 weeks to calm me down!  The more and more time I spend here though the more I find new and improved tack and gear that I need for Oops.  I've discovered the benefits of the infamous KK bits (there goes another $120) among other things I've combined into a shopping list for my day off tomorrow. 

Al has been doing so well lately too.  We've been struggling a little bit lately with the canter work (our trot work has gotten tremendously better) but I guess that will all come with time.  He has such a bouncy, lofty trot that's pretty tough to sit to, but I've been trying so hard because I feel like if I can sit his trot, I can sit any trot; and today we finally got it right! He felt so great. I wish every ride always felt that good, but then they wouldn't be that special. 

I'm almost done with all my college applications, thank god.  It's really the last thing I feel like doing when I get home from work but it obviously has to be done.  Lots of my days off have been (partially) devoted to doing those essays, emailing my sister back and forth, correcting and editing her essays while she does the same for me.  I finally took a break from all that and went to DC for the first time since I've gotten down here in October!  It was great, the family and I went to the Smithsonian and up to the top of the Washington Monument, which I didn't even know you could do.  I got to wear normal people clothes and sit down to eat lunch, which is a change of pace if I've ever seen one. 

We had quite the warm spell last week where it reached 72 one day.  It was so nice, everyone was riding in tshirts and we had all the windows and doors open.  It made me want summer so badly! I do love the winter and snow, but while I'm here riding and working outside all day every day, I'd appreciate winter to be over asap. 


There are probably a number of other things I've left out, but it's almost 2 am and I have to get up in 6 hours to call the vet so he can go out to give Oops some of his vaccines! Oh how horses never rest...