What doesn't kill you...

One of the first things asst trainer Tim Bourke told me upon arriving to work at LFF was that he truly believed "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... and this job just might kill you." I didn't exactly know what he meant by that, but I certainly have some experiences to draw my own conclusions from.

I always feel (maybe this is a DUH moment, but hey, aren't those always the ones you learn most from?) that after any type of test (be it a show, a clinic, a lesson, etc) where you're kind of put on the spot to show what you've learned and are capable of, hindsight becomes THEN AND THERE 20/20.  For example, after my annoying screw ups on xc at GHF a few weeks ago, I realized how little I had been riding the course.  The course was twisty, it was tight, and it was technical, and I had not been riding my horse appropriately for the course in front of me.  Well, of course after I finished, I could have just about locked myself in a room and melted into self loathing afterwards, especially since Oops had been so willing and capable. Instead, I tried sending that frustration into a good ride for stadium the next day, where we had one of our best (and one of the only for our division) double clear rides for the day.  I was thrilled!

Today, I took Oops to a schooling show in attempts to prep for Fitch's next weekend, which is looking less and less probable as the week drags on (stupid electronic entries). We had an ok warm up for dressage, I forgot where to do the stretchy circle, and scored not so well. Not our best, but I know what I need to continue to do with him, dressage is always a work in progress for us.  The xc course was tight with no good galloping stretches, which meant I needed to be able to keep him relatively composed the whole ride.  He was fine; we had some awkward close distances to more fences than I would have liked, but he was pretty attentive and didn't look at the ditch, which is always a bonus.  We then went straight to stadium, which was a small course for Training, and even though I could see some people getting rough jumps, didn't think too much of it.  Oops has been jumping fantastically lately, really really adjustable and great with some accuracy questions that we don't school very often.  Unfortunately for Oops and fortunately for me, he saved our ass quite a few times, but I gave him a horrible ride.  Ashley told me when we got out of the ring- "I'm not saying this to be mean, but all of the issues you had in there were your fault," and she was completely correct. I knew it immediately, and have no been able to shake this disgusted feeling I've had since this morning.  Especially when my horse has really been trying lately, really been performing maybe better than he has ever, and I can't even ride him properly to let him show everyone what he can do.  Ashley told me I needed to stop riding the horse he use to be, and ride the horse I've got now, and I think this is quite a valuable lesson for myself. I notice more and more often now how I expect him to misbehave like he did when he was 8 or 10.  He's 14 now and we've both matured a lot in the last few years.  Trust is such a huge part of horsemanship, and I hate to think I'm pissing mine away because I don't believe he's going to be as good as he's been. 

So that's what this rant is all about.  Me being upset with myself.  Instead of wallowing in self pity, I'm going to use this pent up frustration to put more work into my rides that I can get out of him.  I'm going to ask a little more each time we jump, and not settle for acceptable or just good enough.  I'm going to do more hills and be more creative with our time out of the rings, to desensitize him as much as possible and to give his brain a break.  I'm going to start running again when I'm not at the barn, because I should not be nearly as out of breath as I am from riding one horse in a horse trials. I'm going to keep better track of what we do and how much he's improving over specific time spans.  I'm also going to get a better start on planning our events (and entering them), as well as figuring out what my finances need to look like in order to go down south for a couple weeks this year. Oh, and how I'm going to make enough money to pay back loans after I graduate while also being a working student. 

So while today didn't necessarily kill me, it was close to it.  There's nothing worse than knowing you didn't give it your all, and your horse being the one who really suffered from it.  Tomorrow, I revamp my training approach.  No point in wasting energy dwelling on the past when it can be put into constructive outlets to better your future!

Blueprints for the Big Picture

Summer is obviously in full swing here and by revisiting even my last post in January (yikes) I can already see how much my goals have shifted.  Apparently a couple months ago I was predicting this summer to involve a class at school, working a "regular person job" and working with Oops a little bit, to keep him going but without much competing in mind.  Well I can happily say none of what I planned ending up happening (isn't it funny how that works?); instead I turned down a well-paying full time job, I'm not taking any classes (although that I kind of regret), and I'm working full-time in two barns, barely making enough money to cover my expenses- but I really couldn't be happier!  I have found a way to make money at a Morgan Horse farm cleaning stalls during the week, which may include helping with some babies in the near future, and riding Oops daily. I've been able to occasionally scrape together enough money to take lessons with miss Ashley Adams, someone who I respect more and more as a rider and a horsewoman the more time I spend with her.  She's been an invaluable help not only with me and my horses, but as a friend at shows, selflessly going through courses with me and being quite the mental support system when I have some rider screw-ups. 

The past few months I think I've developed and come into my own as an independent person.  I'm starting to understand how plans can change, and that it's not always a bad thing or for reasons you might be afraid of.  Change can be good and even sneak up on you for the better.  I may not be making money this summer, but I've discovered that having enough in order to do a couple things that are really important to me (horse-wise; lessons, clinics and shows, etc) is completely enough for me.  I do not need much money in order to support myself.  This has been a rather freeing realization, understanding more and more out about myself and doing it a little unconventionally.  The next big mental dialogue I'm having with myself is what this is going to look like for me after this school year, when I hopefully graduate.  Yes, I love what I'm studying, but putting horses and my riding career on the back burner just to get a job that can pay student loans isn't how I envision myself.  I spent this morning working with my therapists (yes... I have two) on the importance of laying out my intermediate steps that will hopefully set me up to reach my big goals.  I use to lay out what I hoped to accomplish without much thought to how I would get there.  In doing this, I'm starting to be ok with not doing things the way everyone else usually does them: getting a real person job to make enough money to pay loans and THEN figure out to how balance horse life with that.  That is not going to work for me, and no matter what people say to try to discourage me from sticking myself out there, I am pretty sure at this point I won't learn things unless it's the hard way.  I am fairly certain my life after graduation will go horses, then figuring out how I'm going to cover expenses/loans.  Happiness allows my creativity to solve some of those big dilemmas for me. Being suffocated 90% of the time just to make money and suppressing what I enjoy doing just to be able to do it half as often doesn't fly with me. 

On a more positive note, Oops recently received his lowest score at a recognized event and had one of our best stadium rounds the same weekend.  Cross country riding is something I need to get back into the swing of, but we're feeling better than we have in awhile, and more connected.  Needless to say, I'm having a great time continuing to learn about him and how he operates, even after nine years of our partnership.  Horses never stop teaching you new things!

having it all

Lately I've been stuck in this overwhelming feeling of dread (or maybe understanding) that I'm sort of in a limbo between a couple realities at the moment. The first is being in school, a reality I'm so thankful for and happy with, but I can't help but feel hindered by it to my riding/other worldly pursuits(?). I'm kind of half-assing, in my opinion, really going all out with the horse life deal because I keep telling myself it'll get better after college, I'll have more time for myself to ride and be with the horses. I also think I still am capable of tricking myself to believe I'm going to be "different" and immediately get my dream job and work hours that I want to and that work around my schedule. Which is comforting in a pathetic way, but thus contributing to my limbo regardless.

On the other hand, the whole of me being in school and studying environmental science like I am is to hopefully get a job doing something I love, which is ideal but is at odds with horsey life scenario #1. And to top it all off, I haven't been committing or delving into any jobs or internships in this limbo period that would advance my knowledge in the sciences because that would cut into valuable horse time!  So you see, I'm really dealing with some life threatening stuff here, the stuff that keeps me up at night (which is really why I'm up writing this right now. It is keeping me up).

So in the midst of tossing and turning and partlypartly blocking out my music, I've come to the realization that I'm just going to have it all, in my own way, which I'm fairly certain is going to be great for me because the more shit I have going on all the donetime the happier I am, despite the fact that simply thinking about everything causes internal shut down.  Hopefully this summer, I'll just stay at my apartment in VT, take a class to catch up on some school requirements, half a semi full time job, AND have Oops with me and compete lightly on the weekends. This might not be "giving it my all" in either lifestyle, but the more I think about this the more I become in love with the idea.

I read a stellar article in the Chronicle of the Horse (believe it was the December edition) about this adult amateur hunter/jumper who worked as a corporate big wig for FedEx during the day, but competed her horse all around the country on the weekends. She kept only a few horses, and they lived at her house, and she got up extra early to feed them, do stalls and ride before work, but she got to do it all. It was incredibly well written and inspiring, and it just kind of wakes you up to realize this is your life, you know? Why compare your lifestyle and goals to people you have not much in common with? Redesign your own destiny to make everything you want to do possible, granted eventually you're gonna probably have to edit some grandiose ideas or put in the extra effort to maintain your dream, but a little hard work never went unnoticed.